End the Stigma

 

Today is World Mental Health Day. The day is a global event that aims to promote, educate and raise awareness of mental health issues.

Our own mental health is incredibly important and something that we should be aware of. Unfortunately there is still.some stigma around having a mental health issue. By talking to one another, we can begin to eradicate the stigmas that are associated with mental illness.

If you ever need to talk, I am here ❤️

Let's end the stigma and talk more so that society as a whole recognizes the importance of an individual's mental health and well-being.

#worldmentalhealthday

I am Me

 

Hi, my name is Jenni and I am Autistic. I also have PTSD and have sensory processing difficulties. My anxiety, while manageable, is always lurking in the background.

To say this out loud, to write it, is empowering. As a late diagnosed Autistic, I can now say that my life makes sense.

For too long, as a child and teenager and even as an adult, I have been told that I was weird, an outsider, the black sheep, an outcast, that I was crazy, quirky, abnormal, odd and all manner of other terms. But not in a nice way.

I was bullied for being who I am. I tried to fit in but didn't know how to. I tried to change who I was, but then hated that person so went back to being me, but then the circle began again.

When you're told often that you are all these things, you begin to believe what you're being told. Your brain believes it, then your self worth disappears.

I now know that I am these things because I am Autistic. What other people perceive as normal, is not who I am, and will never be who I am.

I now know who I am. I am me and being Autistic is a huge part of me.

What does undiagnosed Autism look like?

As we were going through the little superheroes ASD assessments back in 2016 and 2017, it was like a light bulb going off in my brain. O is my mini me and all of the struggles that O has, I went through the exact same thing as a child, teenager and young adult.

Recently I read a post on social media about one person's experience as an undiagnosed Autistic teenager and I found that I could relate to most of the points on the list.

The post got me thinking ..... what was my experience as an undiagnosed Autistic teenager? It has only been in the last few years that I have publicly said that I am Autistic.

I am proud of who I am, but I so wish that I'd known as a teenager, even as a young adult, that there was nothing wrong with me. That my struggles socially and emotionally were because I was Autistic.

So what did my experience as an undiagnosed Autistic teenager at school look like?

I can tell you what my undiagnosed Autism looked and felt like, but remember that every Autistic individual is just that, an individual. My experience is not going to be the same as the next individual.

• Bullying on a daily basis, from those who didn't know me but also from those in my year level. This bullying, unfortunately, followed me through to tertiary education where I was questioned on a regular basis by people who had heard rumours about me at school or had heard the rumours from people that I went to school with. Now matter how hard I tried, I could not escape from those rumours. It was only when I relocated interstate in my mid twenties, that I started afresh.

• Struggling to understand all social and classroom interactions, every day - I did not understand social interactions at all. They bamboozled me completely. I did understand some interactions with a few of the lads in my classes, but then I was accused as a boyfriend stealer and ostracised.

• Crying myself to sleep every night, because I wasn't like everyone else. I desperately wanted to be like everyone else, to fit in, but didn't know how to be like everyone else.

• Not understanding if people were joking or being nasty when they interacted with me. Was an interaction sincere? Did they feel sorry for me? Was I being set up?

• Feeling like I didn't belong to the school community. All the while I wanted to belong to the school community but I did not know how to make myself belong.

• Knowing that I didn't fit in and thinking that the reason I didn't fit in was because I was just quirky or weird because that is what I was told on a daily basis by other students. Then not wanting to be quirky or weird, but that's who I was.

• Anxiety, very high anxiety all day, every day. I could not escape from the anxiety levels that I was experiencing. 

• Rehearsing potential conversations that may occur during the school day in my head constantly. Then as conversations were occurring, analysing what I thought was being meant during the conversation, which in turn meant that I missed the majority of what was being said, so my sky high anxiety levels rose even further, because I still didn't understand.

• Internalising my anxiety when I had a relief teacher unannounced in any of my classes. This was a huge fear at school. My teachers were my safe people at school as I knew how they taught, their mannerisms in class. A relief teacher was a huge unknown.

• Being friends with my teachers, because I felt like I didn't fit in with my peers. But then you are ostracised by your peers because you're friends with the teachers. It was a double edged sword.

• Meltdowns or shutdowns every afternoon from the exhaustion of unknowingly masking every day. At the time I didn't know that I was masking. I will say that masking was detrimental to my mental health.

• Watching and mimicking everyone around me, but still not fitting in.

• I excelled in a few subjects, I sucked badly in others and I was passively okay in the rest. And even then, I tried to stay under the radar because if I did excel, I was ostracised by my peers for getting good grades, and if I sucked badly I was ostracised.

• Drifting between groups of peers because I couldn't find the group that I fitted into, which in turn meant that I struggled to find my tribe at school. Which then meant that it was difficult to make and maintain friendships, so I sat alone most break times in a dark classroom so that I wouldn't be bullied and because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted.

• Questioning my every being, every inch of my self and my worth because of the constant belittling from other students. My brain began to believe everything that was said to me and about me.

• Finding solace in my intense interests because they were my safe spaces, but then being belittled because others thought I was a nerd.

• I developed trauma and mental health issues, namely severe depression, as a result of my school experience.

• All of the above then followed me into adulthood, as I wasn't aware that I was neurodiverse, as I navigated tertiary study and the workplace. So basically repeat all of the above but as a young adult.

I don't believe that having a diagnosis of Autism as a teenager would have changed how I was treated at high school, however the diagnosis would have given me answers as to how I thought and how I experienced the world around me.

Knowing now that I am Autistic is empowering.

Yes I am quirky, I'm weird, but I'm Autistic. And I'm extremely proud of who I am.

Emotional Intelligence - what is it?

Recently we, myself and Daddy Superhero, discovered a television show on Stan (got to love Stan!) to watch called Scorpion. It was a new show to us, but has been around for some time. After watching the first episode, we then binge watched it, as you do, all 4 seasons. On a side note, why did it end that way??? Producers/Directors/Television Network, please bring the show back, even just to finish it properly!! And while it is never stated in any of the seasons, five of the main characters just must on the spectrum!!

Anyway back to Emotional Intelligence, one of the characters on the show, Paige, is there to interpret the world for the four geniuses that the show is based on, and throughout the four seasons, Paige assists all the characters to develop their emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is a topic that I have been meaning to write a post about for some time, but I've never gotten around to penning a piece. After watching all four seasons of Scorpion, I figured that now is a good time to write that post.

Emotional intelligence is a skill that we have been assisting both little superheroes to develop since I can't remember when, and it's often a skill that many Autistic individuals struggle with.

Until recently L struggled to recognise and respond to his own emotions and those of others. O on the other hand was able to recognise emotions in others but struggled to recognise and respond to their own emotions.

So what is Emotional Intelligence?

Everyone has most likely heard of IQ or Intelligence Quotient. Emotional Intelligence, it is also known as EQ or Emotional Quotient, is the ability to understand, use, interpret and manage ones own emotions. 

Your IQ can help you to achieve great things academically in life, but it is your EQ that will help you to manage your emotions, stress and interacting with others throughout your life. IQ and EQ exist in all of us in tandem and both are mroe effective when they work together. 

Our emotions are important pieces of information that we feel every day of our lives that tell us not only about ourselves but also about others. It all comes down to our interoception sense - being able to recognise and respond to what our bodies are telling us.

Developing our own emotional intelligence, assists us in every aspect of our lives - we can learn to develop calming strategies when we become overwhelmed by our emotions. We can learn to manage our emotions in ways that are healthy for our mind and body. We can learn to recognise stress emotions in ourselves and develop calming skills.

As I have mentioned in other posts about developing our emotions, children aren't born with the ability to interpret and express how they are feeling. Recognising and responding to ones emotions is a skill that babies begin to develop from their interactions with their parents.

Developing emotional intelligence takes time, but if we start assisting our children with this skill when they are young, we are equipping them with skills that they can carry with them for life.

Assisting a child to develop their own emotional intelligence, begins with us. We need to be open about our own emotions, so that children don't become embarrassed about their own emotions.

There is still so much stigma in society associated with mental health issues - we need to teach our children that it is okay to be struggling mentally and that asking for assistance from others is the most effective way to manage their mental health issues.

If children are in a trusted environment where emotions are openly talked about, most children will speak freely about their feelings not only to their parents or carers but they may also be open to talking to others.

If we start these conversations early, we are giving our children the best start possible in life.

Just a dog named Ruby.

This is a story about a dog named Ruby - a stubborn but caring English Bull Terrier.

Shortly before L was due to arrive earth side in 2012, Daddy Superhero spotted a notice on his then work online notice board of an English Bull Terrier for sale. He has always had English Bull Terriers as family fur members, so we just had to have a look. The Bull Terrier was a rescue pup and in her first year of life had been through four owners, this intrigued us. We were told that Ruby had only just turned one.

I took O along with me (because Daddy Superhero was working) to meet Ruby and her former owners and immediately fell in love with this goofball puppy. We were told by her then owners that Ruby was stubborn and hard to control (ummm, she's a Bull Terrier, aren't they all stubborn??) and that she wasn't great with children. Her then owner explained that they were Ruby's fourth owner but she was just too boisterous and stubborn for them and Ruby's previous three owners. This really broke my heart, this beautiful brindle English Bull Terrier had been passed from owner to owner because they didn't understand the nature of the breed.

When O and Ruby met, they sat down on the grass side by side and O started giving little sticks to Ruby. Ruby took every single stick very gently from O's hands. O was only two and a half years old! Not good with children? Really?

O and I decided on our way home that we just had to have Ruby as our family fur member. So after speaking with Daddy Superhero, Ruby was collected and brought to her forever home.

 

From day dot, Ruby acted like she had always been with us and she was just marvellous with O. They became best buddies within days of living with our family. Whenever O was outside in our back yard playing, she would usually end up sitting on Ruby's bed or in Ruby's dog house getting puppy cuddles. When Ruby sneaked inside, she would end up in O's bedroom. They were the best of friends.

Ruby did think that she was part dog, part rabbit and part lorrikeet though! She would happily share her dry food with our pet rabbit and when Cutie (the rabbit) was out of his hutch, Ruby would go into the hutch to eat the dry rabbit food and rabbit poop!

Then L arrived earth side. Ruby was equally as loving and caring with L as she was with O, she had a new hooman child to look after. From the very beginning Ruby has instinctively known when either of the little superheroes has needed assistance. 

If either of the little superheroes were having a rough day, Ruby was there comforting them. Ruby used to sleep under the window of L's then bedroom.

 

The big boisterous, stubborn English Bull Terrier was the calming family fur member that both little superheroes needed. Back in Perth we used to say that Ruby was an untrained assistance dog. Ruby would never pass the public access test because she loves meeting new people and can't help herself when it comes to food, but she always knew exactly what to do to calm her hooman children.

And if there was any mischief being had, Ruby was usually in the thick of it!!

Ruby used to let the little superheroes get away with things that others wouldn't. Ruby would let L take food from her mouth. Ruby would let both little superheroes sit on her.

 

  

Ruby even featured in a photo shoot that the little superheroes were asked to appear in. The photographer wanted little superheroes and their pets!

When we made the decision to move from Perth to Queensland, it was a no brainer, Ruby was coming with us. We had to make the incredibly difficult decision to rehome our pet rabbit, both little superheroes were just devastated but unfortunately rabbits cannot be kept as pets in Queensland without a lot of modifications to their hutches.

The look on both little superheroes faces when they were able to give Ruby pats and cuddles at our new home in Queensland was wonderful. Ruby was exactly what both little superheroes needed to make our transition into life in Queensland easier.

This year Ruby turned twelve years old. Due to where we are now living, Ruby lives with the little superheroes grandparents. As L says "Ruby old now so she live with Grandma and Duddud cos they old too!" We visit Ruby several times a week and she does come for the occasional sleep over but her old bones struggle to get up our stairs.

We discovered late last year that Ruby has the same heart condition that our previous Bull Terrier, Ranger, suddenly and unexpectedly passed away from shortly after O was born. Ruby's heart is literally too large for her body and her system struggles to cope. Ruby is on some pretty strong heart medication to help slow the heart disease down and we know that one day, we are going to make the incredibly difficult decision to let her go peacefully.

She and Henry are great mates and while Ruby still believes that she is a puppy, her old bones struggle to keep up with Henry's energy.

While we had a Bull Terrier named Ranger when O was born, Ranger unfortunately passed away within a few month of O arriving, so Ruby is the first fur member that O can remember. When we visit Ruby, she follows O around because in Ruby's mind, O is her hooman child. When the day comes that we let Ruby go, both little superheroes are going to be hit hard but especially O. 

This stubborn bull terrier who we were told was not great with children and who had a rough start to life being handed from home to home, has proven that she is the best fur friend that we could ask for. And Ruby still knows exactly how to calm both her little superheroes.

Let's Talk About ..... Mental Health.

Mental Health ..... Why is it such a taboo subject?

I have my theories, so bare with me.

If you take a glance at the history of mental health, in the distant past an individual was looked down upon if they had a mental health issue. Individuals were hidden away from society in institutions or hidden behind locked doors and never spoken of if they had a mental health disorder.

While treatments and therapies have changed in recent history, that taboo status is still very much present.

I am of the belief that mental health is rarely spoken about because it is not understood by the majority of society. When you look at the portrayal of mental health issues in the media and movie/television industry, individuals with a mental health issue are portrayed as being crazy or insane and at times this portrayal is completely exaggerated. These portrayals fuel the biases, the misconceptions and the lack of understanding that is held by society and thus the taboo label sticks.

What these portrayals don't show is the real side of depression, how heartbreaking it can be to watch someone dealing with schizophrenia, or the constant hell that it is to live in a state of anxiety. The portrayals don't show the heartbreak that some parents go through on a daily basis watching their children struggle to get out of bed due to low self esteem and anxiety as a result from being the victims of bullying.

And as there is still a stigma attached to having being diagnosed with a mental health issue, those who do suffer from a mental health issue may be hesitant to open up about their struggles due to the fear of being ostracised or judged by those around them.

I struggled with, and still do struggle with, anxiety issues as a teenager and young adult but I always felt as though I had to put on a strong facade and just get on with whatever I was doing at any particular point in time. I have always felt socially awkward which I know now is my anxiety showing through. At no point did I open up to anyone about my anxiety or depression as I didn't want to be judged by my peers. I also didn't think that I would be taken seriously as I was a good student, I didn't get into trouble at school, how could I possibly be suffering from anxiety? I was just shy wasn't I?

Two weeks after O was delivered via emergency caesarian, I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression (PND) and put onto medication to assist me to get through our day to day routine. I can recall the exact event of what lead to my GP at the time telling me that she thought that I had PND. To cut a long story short, my C-section scar split open due to a very nasty infection two weeks to the date that O was born. We ended up back at the hospital and I was a complete mess and I said words to the effect of "nothing is going right, the only good thing in my life is my baby" to which my GP said "Jen, you have a beautiful baby and a loving husband and everything is going to be okay. But we need to put you on some happy pills to help you to think logically."

She was right, I did need the happy pills to help me see and think logically but this wasn't something that I made public knowledge as I was highly embarrassed by the diagnosis. All I could keep thinking was "I am a professional in the public sector, what are people going to think? They're going to think that I am weak." Mmmm, hindsight is 20/20 as I can now see that what I was thinking was highly illogical.

And I can now see that my illogical thoughts about PND back in 2009 were due to the misconceptions that I had about PND. I also now know that PND is quite common and yet it still seems to be somewhat of a taboo subject.

Fast forward to 2014 and once again I found that I was struggling to think logically. However it wasn't due to having a newborn, nor was it due to having two very active children. It was due to the fact that we, as a family, weren't being taken seriously by medical and educational professionals about L's overall health, development and challenging behaviour. Once again my GP said a few very helpful words as I sat balling my eyes out in his office as L was in the midst of an almighty meltdown over NOT being allowed to play on the busy road outside of the doctor surgery. My GP said "Jen, you have two beautiful children, you are an amazing Mum, and at the moment you need a little help to think logically." I walked away from the doctors surgery with a script for happy pills, a referral to our pediatrician for L's development and behavioural issues and new outlook on life.

Fast forward a little more to 2018 and I am learning how to assist O with her anxiety issues. I want to equip O with the skills that she needs to be able to self-manage her own anxiety so that in the future when her anxiety decides to raise its head, and I know that it will at some stage, she will be able to confidently use the strategies that she is learning. I am also instilling in her that having anxiety is okay. That being diagnosed with an anxiety issue is not something to be ashamed of. Ever.

But there still needs to be more done in society to break the misconceptions and hence break the taboo status of mental health issues. And the only way to break misconceptions about mental health is to talk openly about the various issues that individuals in society struggle with on a daily basis.

I was recently fortunate to participate in an interview about O's anxiety for a Mental Health series that Michelle over at Mummying My Way is publishing on her blog all through the month of March. Michelle interviewed people from all walks of life for her series to highlight various mental health issues - from anxiety through to Post Natal Depression and everything in between.

I am looking forward to reading all of the stories that are featured in this series. I am looking forward to gaining an insight into the lives of those who have spoken up about their struggles with various mental health issues.

I hope that through the series, more people will come to understand what mental health issues are like and how they can help their friends and family who may be suffering from a similar condition manage their condition.

We all need to be brave and speak up to break down and challenge the misconceptions that society has about Mental Health issues. If more people have an understanding of what mental health issues are like, then perhaps it wouldn't be so difficult to open up and talk about mental health issues.

And what ever you do, do NOT tell someone who suffers from depression or anxiety to just be happy, to forget about what ever is worrying them. This is like telling someone that they should hold their head under water and breath. It is near impossible and not at all helpful advice.

What you can do is be there for them. Listen to them.

Dealing with My Demons

*** DISCLAIMER: In this post I discuss my own anxiety and post-natal depression. If you feel that you are suffering from anxiety or depression, please speak to your doctor or to an organistation such as Beyond Blue . ***

A few weeks after O was delivered via emergency caesarian, I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression and put onto medication to assist me to get through our day to day routine. It wasn’t something that I made public as I was highly embarrassed by it. I know it was illogical but I kept thinking that I was successful so telling people that I had PND would make me look weak. I, with my GP’s guidance, was able to wean myself off the medication after about twelve months and I thought yippee, that’s the end of that. I won’t be needing that medication again.

Skip forward to mid 2014 and I found that I was again struggling to think logically. This time it wasn’t because I had a newborn, nor was it due to having two children. I was struggling due to not being taken seriously by medical professionals about L’s health, development and behaviour.

I once again found myself sitting in my GP’s office and discussing with him about not being able to think logically about what was happening.

I’d never thought of harming myself or my children, I just found that I wasn’t coping emotionally. My GP again suggested that it might be a good idea to go onto medication. And I’ve been on it ever since. Again it was something that I was embarrassed about. How on earth do I explain to my friends that I’m not coping emotionally with what is happening, without being on medication. To me, it seemed like a taboo subject and again I thought that I would appear weak.

When O’s anxiety issues became more apparent and obvious, and since speaking with her psychologist, I have begun to re-evaluate my own anxiety that I have been battling for as long as I can remember.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when I knew that I first started having anxiety issues, I do know that it was when I was a child.

I just guess that I’d never put it down to anxiety, even as an adult, I always thought it was due to other reasons. Being at a new school, being an awkward teenager, not being popular, starting at a new work place and so on. There was always another reason.

I can recall my first day at a new school, I think I was 7 or 8, and really struggling to fit in. Was it being the new kid or was that when I first started noticing that I seemed different.

As a young child I seemed to always have things to worry about. Some of them I had no idea why I was worrying, others I knew exactly why they were an issue, but I could never seem to get rid of the worries. They were always there, eating away at me and following me around like a dark  cloud. I'd see worst case scenarios and blame myself for everything. I'd forget about the good.

As a teenager I really struggled to fit in. To myself, I always seemed awkward. I always struggled to understand how other kids my age acted, talked and dressed. To other kids at my high school I was different. I hated the bus ride to and from school, kids can be so cruel. I was bullied throughout high school, at times by people who claimed to be my friends but also by kids who didn’t know me. I desperately wanted to fit in but could never seem to find a way.

In year 12, I really began to notice just how much my anxiety was affecting me. I had a lot of self-doubt and doubted every inch of my being. I struggled with my own emotions and became a loner, which made the bullying a lot worse. I’m honestly not sure how I made it through year 12 and into university.

People who knew me then, tell me now “but you were so confident!” I may have appeared confident but underneath the surface I was a duck, paddling furiously to stay afloat.

All through high school, I found that I understood and fitted in with the boys better. They told it like it was. I understood them. But this caused more problems for me as their girlfriends would get shirty at me. The thought of taking someone else’s boyfriend never crossed my mind, I just understood boys better than I understood girls.

I didn’t know how to dress on trend, I didn’t know a thing about make-up and yet all the girls were wearing it. I liked boys as friends, but wasn’t interested in forming anything other than a friendship with them. You can imagine the bullying and gossip that came from that, to the point that some of the rumours followed me into adulthood and caused issues after I finished high school…….

I liked to study and I loved music. Study and music didn’t change. I studied and I got good marks. Study and music were predictable, they were my escape.

Other kids were not predictable.

But were these the pressures of being in Year 12 and knowing that I needed good marks to get into university or was it my anxiety showing its ugly head? I know now what it was from, I didn’t back then.

As a teenager I had learnt enough skills to know that I needed to blend into the crowd, I just wasn’t very successful at it. What I didn’t have were the skills that I have now to lower my anxiety levels.

Even going into my adult years, I wanted to fit in but didn’t seem to know how. I had a very small group of friends at University and I was honestly shit scared to make new friends as I didn’t want to get hurt.

I did enough that I didn’t stand out in the crowd. I just got on and did my job at University and in the workplace. When I knew that I made social mistakes, I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

Even now, I find that I do seem to struggle socially. I don’t open up to people until I know for sure what the other person is like. I don’t want to reveal the real me, I don’t want to be hurt emotionally. I only reveal the real me when I feel comfortable, when I trust whoever I am interacting with.

O’s psychologist asked me recently if I thought that I was on the spectrum. If I’d been asked this question prior to L’s diagnosis, the answer would have been a definite no.

Knowing what I know now about ASD and in particular that girls present differently, I very definitely think that I maybe on the spectrum. ASD would certainly explain my odd mannerisms, it explains my emotionally state, it explains why I struggled to understand other kids behaviour.

I don’t know that if I was to go through the diagnosis process back then, or now for that matter, that I would be diagnosed as ASD though.

I’ve been told numerous times by relatives and family friends who have known me since I was a young child, that O reminds them of me at the same age. I can see some of her behaviour and struggles that she goes through, as things that I went through.

It’s only since having children that I am now comfortable in my own skin. I no longer care what others think of me, if they don’t like me, that’s their loss.

I’m here for myself and my family, I’m no longer doing things to please others. I no longer let others take advantage of me or get me down.

I occasionally still think of things that could go wrong but they no longer consume me. I see opportunities and positivity and best case scenarios. Worst case scenarios are just potential outcomes that I overthink because of my anxiety.

I’ve come to accept and acknowledge that I do need my medication to keep me level headed. It helps me to think logically about every facet of my life. It helps me to help my children. I no longer think that it means that I am weak.

I’ve finally come to accept me, PND and all!

My anxiety is part of me, it’s never going to go away but the older that I get, the more skills I learn so that I can cope and lower my anxiety levels.

And as I learn new skills, I am passing them onto O so that she too can start building the skill set that she so obviously needs. I want O to have the skills now, so that later on, her anxiety doesn’t affect her schooling and social life.

Being a teenager is hard enough, throw in anxiety issues and it gets a whole lot harder. I don’t want O to struggle like I did. I want O to be confident and know that she can handle anything that is thrown at her!

And the more confident that she becomes, the happier I will be. I will know that I am setting her up to be a confident young lady who will accept her flaws, who won’t be ashamed to ask for help when she needs it and will be proud of who she becomes, anxiety and all.

I want O to have good dreams that filter out the nightmares. I want both my children to believe that everything will be alright. I want them both to see the positivity and opportunity and beauty around them, to see the good in life. I want O not to be afraid of her anxiety, I want her to know that she can overcome it and that she can reach for the stars to achieve her dreams.