When is Enough Enough?

I am going to preface this with a trigger warning. What I have written may trigger those who have been diagnosed with CPTSD, PTSD or depression. It may trigger others who aren't yet aware that they have one of the above. If you feel that talking or reading about PTSD will trigger you, please stop reading now. If you are triggered by reading this, please reach out.

Please know that I see you, I hear you, I am you.

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Several weeks ago, the Queensland Police Service lost a sister in Blue. Yet another live lost. The Queensland Police as a whole are hurting.

They say that no job is worth losing your life for. And they, whoever they are, is absolutely right. No job is worth losing your life over.

However, when the Black Dog of Depression takes a grip, it is incredibly difficult to claw your way out. The grip of panic that the Black Dog has on one's brain, interferes a great deal with whatever the mind is doing. The grip that the Black Dog has, causes the old brain (the primal, fight flight freeze response) to take over and prevents the logical new brain from working in the way that it should. 

That grip of panic, causes a chronic hyper-vigilance for and hyper-sensitivity to threats - either real or perceived. And unfortunately the trauma whatever it may be doesn't stay in the past. That trauma imprints on one's mind and body and that imprint has ongoing consequences.

Unfortunately all Emergency Services Australia wide, the world wide in fact, as well as Defence Forces, medical professions have lost far too many brothers and sisters to the Black Dog.

How many is too many? When will action be taken? When will the powers to be realise that more needs to be done in supporting their staff?

I was diagnosed with PTSD towards the end of 2020. My PTSD, recently it has been advanced up to CPTSD, is a direct result of my policing days aswell as a few other factors thrown in for good measure. I'm not going to go into the details, it is hard enough that I relive nightmares over and over on a daily basis, so I am not going to subject you to these.

But thinking back on it, back to 2009, my diagnosis of Post Natal Depression probably should have been a sign of my PTSD coming to the fore front.

As little as eight weeks ago, my CPTSD was triggered and I found myself slipping. So I reached out in the hope to gain control over the residue of my past trauma.

Admitting and acknowledging how consuming my CPTSD and anxiety is, was and still is, an extremely difficult thing for me to do. Coming to the realisation and acknowledging that I was also masking all of these things, was an even more difficult thing to do.

I hid my CPTSD, I hid my Post Natal Depression diagnosis, away for many years simply because I didn't want people to think of me as vulnerable. I was worried that I'd be judged by those around me. Judged by people who had been in same job and were fine. Judged by people who thought they knew better.

I hid that I needed, and still need, happy pills to think logically. I have over the years attempted to wean myself (with my doctors guidance and support) off of these meds. I now know that these meds are part of my recovery journey.

Had I known the prevalence of Post Natal Depression, general depressive disorders, PTSD, I would have been more open in talking with people.

I recently realised just how much I had been masking, and the huge impact that masking has on my own mental health. I would attempt to pretend that my struggles didn't exist, even when it felt like I was paddling madly to stay afloat. I would tell myself that by helping or pleasing others, that I was putting some good into the world. But by neglecting my own mental health, I was not helping anyone. I was keeping that mental health stigma alive.

I am now acutely aware of what my triggers are (this in itself took a very long time to determine,) and I try as hard as I can to avoid these triggers, or remove myself from them. There are instances where this is not possible and that's where my self care tool kit comes into play.

Living with CPTSD, that grip of panic doesn't go away, it becomes easier when equipped with the correct tools and the right support.

The CPTSD diagnosis reaffirms that I'm not unwell, I'm not weak. It's not that I'm unable to cope with daily life. My diagnosis confirms that there are external factors that are completely out of my control that have, and continue to impact me long-term.

My mantra that I constantly remind myself is that I can't control or change how others treat me, or the things that they may say about me. I can change how I react. By reacting emotionally I am fuelling that behaviour. 

By reacting emotionally, I am fuelling my own CPTSD.

By taking the control back over my own mental well-being, I am providing my children with a healthy mental health role model to end the stigma.

It takes great courage to recognise and acknowledge, both internally to one's own mind and externally to family, friends and work colleagues. Please recognise this as a huge step in an individuals recovery.

Please talk with family, friends and work colleagues. Support one another. Talking with others, that human connection, the understanding of others, can go a long way in supporting those who are slipping into that rabbit hole of the Black Dog.

A Message From Henry!

 

Hi hoomans!

Tis me Henry, and slothee.

Just like you hoomans, us working dogs need a healthy balance between work and down time.

At home if my boi needs me, I work. But when I'm not in coat, I can just be a puppy.

My hooman family always make sure that for every day that I work, I have a day off at home.

It is your Sunday today, so take some time to chill out and relax.

Henry out, slothee needs to sleep ❤️

End the Stigma

 

Today is World Mental Health Day. The day is a global event that aims to promote, educate and raise awareness of mental health issues.

Our own mental health is incredibly important and something that we should be aware of. Unfortunately there is still.some stigma around having a mental health issue. By talking to one another, we can begin to eradicate the stigmas that are associated with mental illness.

If you ever need to talk, I am here ❤️

Let's end the stigma and talk more so that society as a whole recognizes the importance of an individual's mental health and well-being.

#worldmentalhealthday

I am Me

 

Hi, my name is Jenni and I am Autistic. I also have PTSD and have sensory processing difficulties. My anxiety, while manageable, is always lurking in the background.

To say this out loud, to write it, is empowering. As a late diagnosed Autistic, I can now say that my life makes sense.

For too long, as a child and teenager and even as an adult, I have been told that I was weird, an outsider, the black sheep, an outcast, that I was crazy, quirky, abnormal, odd and all manner of other terms. But not in a nice way.

I was bullied for being who I am. I tried to fit in but didn't know how to. I tried to change who I was, but then hated that person so went back to being me, but then the circle began again.

When you're told often that you are all these things, you begin to believe what you're being told. Your brain believes it, then your self worth disappears.

I now know that I am these things because I am Autistic. What other people perceive as normal, is not who I am, and will never be who I am.

I now know who I am. I am me and being Autistic is a huge part of me.

What does undiagnosed Autism look like?

As we were going through the little superheroes ASD assessments back in 2016 and 2017, it was like a light bulb going off in my brain. O is my mini me and all of the struggles that O has, I went through the exact same thing as a child, teenager and young adult.

Recently I read a post on social media about one person's experience as an undiagnosed Autistic teenager and I found that I could relate to most of the points on the list.

The post got me thinking ..... what was my experience as an undiagnosed Autistic teenager? It has only been in the last few years that I have publicly said that I am Autistic.

I am proud of who I am, but I so wish that I'd known as a teenager, even as a young adult, that there was nothing wrong with me. That my struggles socially and emotionally were because I was Autistic.

So what did my experience as an undiagnosed Autistic teenager at school look like?

I can tell you what my undiagnosed Autism looked and felt like, but remember that every Autistic individual is just that, an individual. My experience is not going to be the same as the next individual.

• Bullying on a daily basis, from those who didn't know me but also from those in my year level. This bullying, unfortunately, followed me through to tertiary education where I was questioned on a regular basis by people who had heard rumours about me at school or had heard the rumours from people that I went to school with. Now matter how hard I tried, I could not escape from those rumours. It was only when I relocated interstate in my mid twenties, that I started afresh.

• Struggling to understand all social and classroom interactions, every day - I did not understand social interactions at all. They bamboozled me completely. I did understand some interactions with a few of the lads in my classes, but then I was accused as a boyfriend stealer and ostracised.

• Crying myself to sleep every night, because I wasn't like everyone else. I desperately wanted to be like everyone else, to fit in, but didn't know how to be like everyone else.

• Not understanding if people were joking or being nasty when they interacted with me. Was an interaction sincere? Did they feel sorry for me? Was I being set up?

• Feeling like I didn't belong to the school community. All the while I wanted to belong to the school community but I did not know how to make myself belong.

• Knowing that I didn't fit in and thinking that the reason I didn't fit in was because I was just quirky or weird because that is what I was told on a daily basis by other students. Then not wanting to be quirky or weird, but that's who I was.

• Anxiety, very high anxiety all day, every day. I could not escape from the anxiety levels that I was experiencing. 

• Rehearsing potential conversations that may occur during the school day in my head constantly. Then as conversations were occurring, analysing what I thought was being meant during the conversation, which in turn meant that I missed the majority of what was being said, so my sky high anxiety levels rose even further, because I still didn't understand.

• Internalising my anxiety when I had a relief teacher unannounced in any of my classes. This was a huge fear at school. My teachers were my safe people at school as I knew how they taught, their mannerisms in class. A relief teacher was a huge unknown.

• Being friends with my teachers, because I felt like I didn't fit in with my peers. But then you are ostracised by your peers because you're friends with the teachers. It was a double edged sword.

• Meltdowns or shutdowns every afternoon from the exhaustion of unknowingly masking every day. At the time I didn't know that I was masking. I will say that masking was detrimental to my mental health.

• Watching and mimicking everyone around me, but still not fitting in.

• I excelled in a few subjects, I sucked badly in others and I was passively okay in the rest. And even then, I tried to stay under the radar because if I did excel, I was ostracised by my peers for getting good grades, and if I sucked badly I was ostracised.

• Drifting between groups of peers because I couldn't find the group that I fitted into, which in turn meant that I struggled to find my tribe at school. Which then meant that it was difficult to make and maintain friendships, so I sat alone most break times in a dark classroom so that I wouldn't be bullied and because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted.

• Questioning my every being, every inch of my self and my worth because of the constant belittling from other students. My brain began to believe everything that was said to me and about me.

• Finding solace in my intense interests because they were my safe spaces, but then being belittled because others thought I was a nerd.

• I developed trauma and mental health issues, namely severe depression, as a result of my school experience.

• All of the above then followed me into adulthood, as I wasn't aware that I was neurodiverse, as I navigated tertiary study and the workplace. So basically repeat all of the above but as a young adult.

I don't believe that having a diagnosis of Autism as a teenager would have changed how I was treated at high school, however the diagnosis would have given me answers as to how I thought and how I experienced the world around me.

Knowing now that I am Autistic is empowering.

Yes I am quirky, I'm weird, but I'm Autistic. And I'm extremely proud of who I am.

Emotional Intelligence - what is it?

Recently we, myself and Daddy Superhero, discovered a television show on Stan (got to love Stan!) to watch called Scorpion. It was a new show to us, but has been around for some time. After watching the first episode, we then binge watched it, as you do, all 4 seasons. On a side note, why did it end that way??? Producers/Directors/Television Network, please bring the show back, even just to finish it properly!! And while it is never stated in any of the seasons, five of the main characters just must on the spectrum!!

Anyway back to Emotional Intelligence, one of the characters on the show, Paige, is there to interpret the world for the four geniuses that the show is based on, and throughout the four seasons, Paige assists all the characters to develop their emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is a topic that I have been meaning to write a post about for some time, but I've never gotten around to penning a piece. After watching all four seasons of Scorpion, I figured that now is a good time to write that post.

Emotional intelligence is a skill that we have been assisting both little superheroes to develop since I can't remember when, and it's often a skill that many Autistic individuals struggle with.

Until recently L struggled to recognise and respond to his own emotions and those of others. O on the other hand was able to recognise emotions in others but struggled to recognise and respond to their own emotions.

So what is Emotional Intelligence?

Everyone has most likely heard of IQ or Intelligence Quotient. Emotional Intelligence, it is also known as EQ or Emotional Quotient, is the ability to understand, use, interpret and manage ones own emotions. 

Your IQ can help you to achieve great things academically in life, but it is your EQ that will help you to manage your emotions, stress and interacting with others throughout your life. IQ and EQ exist in all of us in tandem and both are mroe effective when they work together. 

Our emotions are important pieces of information that we feel every day of our lives that tell us not only about ourselves but also about others. It all comes down to our interoception sense - being able to recognise and respond to what our bodies are telling us.

Developing our own emotional intelligence, assists us in every aspect of our lives - we can learn to develop calming strategies when we become overwhelmed by our emotions. We can learn to manage our emotions in ways that are healthy for our mind and body. We can learn to recognise stress emotions in ourselves and develop calming skills.

As I have mentioned in other posts about developing our emotions, children aren't born with the ability to interpret and express how they are feeling. Recognising and responding to ones emotions is a skill that babies begin to develop from their interactions with their parents.

Developing emotional intelligence takes time, but if we start assisting our children with this skill when they are young, we are equipping them with skills that they can carry with them for life.

Assisting a child to develop their own emotional intelligence, begins with us. We need to be open about our own emotions, so that children don't become embarrassed about their own emotions.

There is still so much stigma in society associated with mental health issues - we need to teach our children that it is okay to be struggling mentally and that asking for assistance from others is the most effective way to manage their mental health issues.

If children are in a trusted environment where emotions are openly talked about, most children will speak freely about their feelings not only to their parents or carers but they may also be open to talking to others.

If we start these conversations early, we are giving our children the best start possible in life.

Why we need space!

Quite often after both little superheroes have had big days, either at school or if we have gone on a family outing, they will need space and time to decompress. The sensory, emotional and social overload can, and often does, take a huge amount of physical, emotional and mental effort. And the combined overload takes a toll mentally, physically and emotionally and can leave an individual feeling completely exhausted.

Having Henry to assist L is an immense help but both little superheroes still need to decompress in their own time and in their own spaces.

Every individual has their own coping mechanisms, and the little superheroes are no different.

Since having Henry placed with us, L will almost always go straight to Henry and give Henry the commands for laps and overs (deep pressure therapy,) or just lay on the floor getting Henry cuddles.

We give them time to chill out - L has a huge cardboard box that he and Henry squeeze into, either to play on a device or just to lay and have cuddles. O will usually lay in her room listening to music. Depending on the overload for the day, really depends on how much time they need to chill and just be.

Once the little superheroes have self regulated, they will often come and seek us out for cuddles. Going to them too soon, can make their exhaustion worse.

Often parents, and/or carers, will ask their children or loved ones, well meaning and well intentional questions about their day. Questions such as "how was your day?" or "what did you do today?" or "did you have a good day?" These questions may make individuals who are already feeling overwhelmed, feel even more bombarded and/or bewildered as questions such as these are very broad.

How was your day? It is still day, so I don't know yet.

What did you do today? You know what I did today, I went to school/work/whatever activity was planned.

Did you have a good day? Can you define good? I didn't get into trouble at school if that is what you mean so that is good, but I felt overwhelmed by my anxiety so that wasn't good.

Unless the little superheroes begin talking with us about what has happened to cause them to feel overwhelmed, we leave the questions until dinner time, This way, part of their daily routine is to talk about the good things that happened.

Obviously if either of the little superheroes want to talk before dinner, we talk. Letting them take the lead, when they are feeling less overwhelmed, usually means that they will both be open about what is causing them distress.

At dinner, we focus on the good things. Talking about the day in a positive manner makes the world of a difference. We will usually get everyone, including us, to say one good thing that happened at school/work that day. And when we do ask questions about the little superheroes day, we ask focused questions based on what we know that they have been doing for the day.

And most importantly, if either of the little superheroes become overwhelmed, we provide them with support. If an individual becomes overwhelmed from sensory or emotional or social, and so on, inputs, they just need and want to be supported.

Just a dog named Ruby.

This is a story about a dog named Ruby - a stubborn but caring English Bull Terrier.

Shortly before L was due to arrive earth side in 2012, Daddy Superhero spotted a notice on his then work online notice board of an English Bull Terrier for sale. He has always had English Bull Terriers as family fur members, so we just had to have a look. The Bull Terrier was a rescue pup and in her first year of life had been through four owners, this intrigued us. We were told that Ruby had only just turned one.

I took O along with me (because Daddy Superhero was working) to meet Ruby and her former owners and immediately fell in love with this goofball puppy. We were told by her then owners that Ruby was stubborn and hard to control (ummm, she's a Bull Terrier, aren't they all stubborn??) and that she wasn't great with children. Her then owner explained that they were Ruby's fourth owner but she was just too boisterous and stubborn for them and Ruby's previous three owners. This really broke my heart, this beautiful brindle English Bull Terrier had been passed from owner to owner because they didn't understand the nature of the breed.

When O and Ruby met, they sat down on the grass side by side and O started giving little sticks to Ruby. Ruby took every single stick very gently from O's hands. O was only two and a half years old! Not good with children? Really?

O and I decided on our way home that we just had to have Ruby as our family fur member. So after speaking with Daddy Superhero, Ruby was collected and brought to her forever home.

 

From day dot, Ruby acted like she had always been with us and she was just marvellous with O. They became best buddies within days of living with our family. Whenever O was outside in our back yard playing, she would usually end up sitting on Ruby's bed or in Ruby's dog house getting puppy cuddles. When Ruby sneaked inside, she would end up in O's bedroom. They were the best of friends.

Ruby did think that she was part dog, part rabbit and part lorrikeet though! She would happily share her dry food with our pet rabbit and when Cutie (the rabbit) was out of his hutch, Ruby would go into the hutch to eat the dry rabbit food and rabbit poop!

Then L arrived earth side. Ruby was equally as loving and caring with L as she was with O, she had a new hooman child to look after. From the very beginning Ruby has instinctively known when either of the little superheroes has needed assistance. 

If either of the little superheroes were having a rough day, Ruby was there comforting them. Ruby used to sleep under the window of L's then bedroom.

 

The big boisterous, stubborn English Bull Terrier was the calming family fur member that both little superheroes needed. Back in Perth we used to say that Ruby was an untrained assistance dog. Ruby would never pass the public access test because she loves meeting new people and can't help herself when it comes to food, but she always knew exactly what to do to calm her hooman children.

And if there was any mischief being had, Ruby was usually in the thick of it!!

Ruby used to let the little superheroes get away with things that others wouldn't. Ruby would let L take food from her mouth. Ruby would let both little superheroes sit on her.

 

  

Ruby even featured in a photo shoot that the little superheroes were asked to appear in. The photographer wanted little superheroes and their pets!

When we made the decision to move from Perth to Queensland, it was a no brainer, Ruby was coming with us. We had to make the incredibly difficult decision to rehome our pet rabbit, both little superheroes were just devastated but unfortunately rabbits cannot be kept as pets in Queensland without a lot of modifications to their hutches.

The look on both little superheroes faces when they were able to give Ruby pats and cuddles at our new home in Queensland was wonderful. Ruby was exactly what both little superheroes needed to make our transition into life in Queensland easier.

This year Ruby turned twelve years old. Due to where we are now living, Ruby lives with the little superheroes grandparents. As L says "Ruby old now so she live with Grandma and Duddud cos they old too!" We visit Ruby several times a week and she does come for the occasional sleep over but her old bones struggle to get up our stairs.

We discovered late last year that Ruby has the same heart condition that our previous Bull Terrier, Ranger, suddenly and unexpectedly passed away from shortly after O was born. Ruby's heart is literally too large for her body and her system struggles to cope. Ruby is on some pretty strong heart medication to help slow the heart disease down and we know that one day, we are going to make the incredibly difficult decision to let her go peacefully.

She and Henry are great mates and while Ruby still believes that she is a puppy, her old bones struggle to keep up with Henry's energy.

While we had a Bull Terrier named Ranger when O was born, Ranger unfortunately passed away within a few month of O arriving, so Ruby is the first fur member that O can remember. When we visit Ruby, she follows O around because in Ruby's mind, O is her hooman child. When the day comes that we let Ruby go, both little superheroes are going to be hit hard but especially O. 

This stubborn bull terrier who we were told was not great with children and who had a rough start to life being handed from home to home, has proven that she is the best fur friend that we could ask for. And Ruby still knows exactly how to calm both her little superheroes.

Sunday Self Care

For our family, Sunday is the day that we do things for us. A day that we can recharge and get ready for the week ahead.

It is so very important to take time to do nothing and what a perfect way to spend a Sunday.